I think I just made my last trip to WalMart . . .

I think I just made my last trip to Walmart

(Mom, you might want to skip this one.) So, we venture to Walmart because it was the easiest place to get the weird things I needed (dog food, mascara, lettuce and underpants). Standing in the endless line, I was trying not to stare at the two women in front of me. They were both obese and proud of it if I were to judge by the way they were dressed. Camisoles (the bra-less kind) and one of them had leggings on that had actually burst open on one of the thighs, the other was wearing some charming cut-off Daisy Duke shorts. Really, it was pretty much par for the course at our Walmart. But these women were exceptionally loud and obnoxious. And, the strangest part is that they were speaking Spanish. Speaking Spanish is not at all uncommon in Florida. But, they were speaking Spanish like I speak Spanish. (Think Sesame Street with a Pittsburgh accent.) If you are speaking Spanish and I can understand you, it’s a fair bet you’re not a native speaker. So, I’m standing there looking at anyone but these two. (They were weird but they also looked like they’d be pretty easy to piss off.) And, then it happened. The woman directly in front of me let out the HUGEST and LONGEST fart I’ve ever heard anywhere. And she never stopped her pseudo-Spanish conversation. The rest of the store froze in time. Seriously. Except for the remaining fart echoes, the store was deadly quiet. The fat lady was carrying on about cervesa and loco. I moved to the aisle where the oxygen masks had dropped from their overhead compartments. My theory: two woman spent the afternoon drinking beer and watching a Sesame Street marathon. One of the women gets gassy when she drinks beer. They run out of beer, catch a bus to Walmart to buy more beer and maybe some pork rinds. While checking out, they decide to practice their Spanish loudly and the gassy lady lets one rip. She’s been drinking, so her normal reflexes (the ones that make you say “excuse me” or at least “day-am, chyew hear that?”) weren’t working. It’s going to be a loooonnnnnnggggggg time before I go back to Walmart. Posted on Tuesday, May 15, 2007, 03:04 PM (UTC -4)

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