Andy attended a birthday party yesterday. It was a roller skating party. Andy thought it would be great if I would skate too. After all, the birthday girl’s mom was going to skate. Well, let’s just stop here and say that the birthday girl’s mom is infinitely MORE coordinated than I. She spent the morning cruising around the rink looking like cool, normal mom. She could even cross her legs over themselves on the turns! Me? Not so much.
For the record, I CAN ice skate. Not well, but I manage just fine – even now in my advanced old age. I never got the hang of roller skating – I tried many times as a young teen but it never took. The skates are so heavy and they only truly stop when you crash into something. But, Andy asks very little of me. Putting on a pair of skates for two hours seemed like a reasonable request. I found some matching socks (I rarely wear socks) before we left. I made sure I had a belt on – nothing worse than your pants dropping around your ankles mid-skate. I made sure I had a t-shirt on that would cover my oogy stomach in the event I had to raise my arms over my head. I cleaned my glasses. I was ready.
We arrived on time. Andy dropped his present off in the appropriate place and we put on our skates. Andy took off with his friends. I tried to stand up. While I basked in my new-found, albeit wobbly, height, I tried to scan routes to the first bench in the rink. I didn’t want to be too ambitious, you know? Roller rinks do not have nearly enough walls. I adopted a marching gait and made it out to where the other parents were assembled. I ended up standing in the back, near a wall, talking to the birthday girl’s father.
We talked about kids getting older, pondered why there were scary men skating around wearing velvet spandex pants and generally talked about life. It was a lovely conversation. Mid-conversation, though, I found myself abruptly finishing my sentence staring up at the ceiling through crooked glasses. Somehow my skates slipped out from under me and I landed FLAT on my back. What’s funnier is birthday girl’s father was actually answering my question directly at the empty space my head had once occupied. It took us both a good 30 seconds to realize what had happened.
It was horrifying. My hair clip was smashed into a buh-zillion pieces. This poor dad was trying to help me up from the floor and the skates were making it impossible. Well,the skates weren’t the only thing stopping me — my laughing and trying to casually check if the back of my head was oozing blood – it wasn’t — were not very helpful. Finally, I got back on my feet and birthday dad was able to escape. The poor man. I managed to skate reasonably well (read: no small children were crushed or hurt while I was skating) after that first spectacular crash. Andy even stuck with me for a while.
Later in the day, Mike and I were hanging out in the kitchen when birthday girl’s dad wandered down for a visit. Once he reassured himself that I was, in fact, not seriously hurt, he proceeded to tell Mike “That was the funniest damn thing I’ve seen in years.” And, he was right. Thank heavens he wasn’t wearing a helmet cam is all I can say.
This morning, I woke up. While waking up is always a good thing, can I just say that every single part of my body hurts? There are not enough Bay City Roller songs in the world to make it go away. I’m old. I still can’t roller skate. My favorite hair clip is dead. And it’s an hour later than my body thinks it is.