Ugh . . .


I feel like I’m at a crossroads here … I’m here. I’m 44. No one needs me full-time like they used to need me, but they still need me. Kind of. And, what…to…do…with…myself. UGH!

First, I recognize the luxury I have to even type the above. I have not worked full-time for money for the past 16 years. I have worked hard over those years and I won’t apologize for them … but it’s different than having a “job” kind of job.

I’ve lost my youthful eagerness to please everyone. In fact, I think I”m unemployable in terms of a “real” job. I just have to figure out an “unreal” job. While I loved/still love making soap – that is not our path to financial freedom. What IS WHAT I should be doing? I think I need to be writing – but what? What to write that someone would actually pay for? I guess, technically, you can say I’ve written three novels (a la the November challenge thing), I haven’t hit on the genre that really works. And, I can’t seem to cross that hill where everyone I write about resembles someone I know or might have known . . .

I tend to focus on the ridiculous, but I find that harder and harder as the boys get older. I think I have to let go of the boys and move into “old-er woman” territory. But, I don’t want to write about menopause (peri/post or any variation). I don’t want to write about doctor’s visits and prescriptions and everything associated with getting old. I ALSO don’t want to write about early bird meals, cruises, the joys of owning your own golf cart or any of that. I’m sure I’ll get there at some point, but I’m not there yet.

I’m OK with getting old. Sort of. I just don’t want to end up a stereotype. AND, I feel like the best of me is yet to come … I just can’t figure out what the best of me actually is.

Someone tell me what to do next? Please? (I mean what to do after I finish up the dinner dishes.)

One thought on “Ugh . . .

  1. I understand! I am older than you are by 6 years and my kids are older, too. I still don't know exactly what I want to be when I grow up. Once my school takes off I will be kept quite busy but right now I feel so bad. I am not contributing to the family income. I am not needed to “mommy” anyone. I read a lot. But still, the family income thing really bugs me. Hubby has taken what essentially amounts to a pay cut and here I am reading. Sigh.

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