Security systems?


For us, it’s never really been something we have considered or given serious thought to for ourselves. There are just too many people in and out of the house on any given day in any given hour for it make sense. It’s more likely that Mike would come home to find me using a sharp little knife to stab the little box telling me that yet another person had left/come into the house while ripping my hair out with my free hand. My current system of just ripping my hair out evenly by using both hands is really working out for us right now, I hate to mess with that.

Plus, Scout (the dog) might be old, but she HATES new people and, if Scout barks, we pay attention – she’s never been a random barker. Plus, plus if we’re not home and someone comes in and decides they want our stuff, they’re welcome to it – they must really need stuff. We simply don’t own anything that interesting or good. We like our stuff, but I can’t think of anything inanimate we have that would devastate anyone of us if someone took it. NO, this is not an invitation to come to my house and steal my mediocre stuff.

Sooo …. today I was running errands and I heard a commercial on the radio for a home security company. Here is the basic dialog (I’m writing what I remember, not actually what the ad said.):

Mom: (driving noise in background) Hello?
Operator 22: Mrs. S? This is Operator 22 from “your home security system.”
Mom: (sounding a bit panicked) Yes?
Operator 22: Well, ma’am, I’m on the line with Operator 39 from our company and he is on the line with your son, Bobby. It seems Bobby and his brother were rough-housing and now Bobby has hurt his arm.
Mom: Is it broken?
Operator 22: No, ma’am, it sounds more like he has a scrape. Would you like us to call 911?
Mom: No, it’s ok, I’m only about 2 minutes from home. Thank you!

OK – blah, blah, blah commercial stuff about how you should buy their company’s product. Ummm … Hello, security company? Maybe pick an ad agency where the people writing your ads actually HAVE kids? Here’s MY take on the ad – granted my boys are still a work in progress, but they’re old enough that I think I can speak safely here.

Mom: (driving noise in background) Hello?
Operator 22: Mrs. S? This is Operator 22 from “your home security system.”
Mom: (sounding a bit panicked) Yes? What’s going on? Have they burnt the house down? Is there a SQUAT Team out front?
Operator 22: Well, ma’am, I’m on the line with Operator 39 from our company and he is on the line with your son, Bobby. It seems Bobby and his brother were rough-housing and now Bobby has hurt his arm.
Mom: Is it broken?
Operator 22: No, ma’am, it sounds more like he has a scrape. Would you like us to call 911?
Mom: He called you for a scrape on the arm? Are you kidding me? I’d like to talk to Agent 39 – is he hearing crashing or burning noises? *mumble, sputter, curse, mumble* Don’t you DARE call 911. Tell Agent 39 to tell those two their butts are toast – I’m pulling into the driveway now. Tell Agent 39 to tell them that running is useless – I will find them *car door slamming, incoherent shouting … dial tone*

Yep. That is the real mom response. You think, after years and years of dragging horrible children to the grocery store that they are old enough to leave at home on their own for 15 minutes. This is simply NOT true. They are just itching to fight and do everything they’re never allowed to do in the 15 minutes you need to pick up that gallon of milk. When their fighting and anarchy goes all wrong, do you really want them to have access to the alarm system?

Think about it. They are documenting themselves behaving “responsibly.” What loser kid calls the alarm system company for a scraped arm? I’ll tell you. It’s the loser kid who tried to hit his kid brother over the head with grandma’s antique lamp. Lamp shatters on the floor. Kid brother gets a brush burn while skidding to safety on your carefully crafted floor pillows (curse that brocade!). They know they’re in deep-doo-doo and hit on calling the Security Company as a distraction AND as a means of leaving evidence they DID in fact exist. Because, when Mom gets home, those boys know she’s going to beat them senseless with the gallon of milk she just picked up. (Think Fight Club with moms in capri pants and totally cute shoes.)

Ingenious on the kids’ part. Not so effective as a radio ad.

Why I’m not in demand as a valued consultant is beyond me. 😉

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