Yes, we’re having us a manly Christmas. I have surrendered. I want a magazine Christmas with cute little decorations and whimsical twists at every turn. Alas, I live with five men. Have you ever watched men move furniture into a new house? Every piece of furniture gets slammed up against a wall and when the truck is unloaded they do chest-bumps and declare victory.
That is Christmas in my house. Once they toss the boxes marked “Fragile” from the ‘attic’ onto Andy’s unsuspecting head, it’s pretty much done. For them. I keep trying to sneak in and actually take the decorations out of the boxes and put them in pretty places around the house. Why? Why do I torture myself every year? I set up the Nativity only to wake in the morning to find the Wise Men acting as “pull thingies” for our ceiling fans. That the house has not spontaneously burst into flames is a true Christmas miracle.
Each year, we pick a date and we put the tree up and decorate it. This year, we chose, December 6. On the 5th, I assembled the tree and put the lights on while watching a terrible Lifetime Christmas movie. The only good thing I can say about the movie is that it drove everyone in the house to bed early. I would watch it again for that reason only.
Last night, after dinner, it was time to decorate the tree. For years and years and years, the tree was mine. I had a box of unbreakable ornaments for the boys to hang on the bottom of the tree. Mike was generally at work. So, it was up to me. And, to be honest, I liked it that way. Now that I’m the second shortest person in the house and given the fact that Mike is home, WAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
They ripped into the boxes of ornaments last night the way most men rip into a plate of wings. And the five of them stampeded around the tree, with Christmas Vacation blaring in the background and they proceeded to hang ornaments. Ugly oranament? Put it dead-front. Themed ornaments? Let’s hang them all on the same branch, it will save time. The fact that there are, for some reason, 8,000 ornaments on our tree related in some way to Danny? Guys: “Let’s use that until we make Andy sob and collapse on the couch in a heap of ‘No one loves me’s!'” Oh yeah, big fun. And people wonder why my eye twitches?
When they managed to hang the last ornament, I’d completely given up hope and was in the kitchen searching for schnapps . . . I eased my way into the living room. I restarted Christmas Vacation, because I think it’s hilarious. That alone killed off three of the five. When I started asking the remaining two what they thought about switching this ornament for that one, they quickly disappeared as well.
I am sure I sound hateful and ungrateful, I’m not. I just do not understand the people I’m currently living with AT ALL. Tree decorating, in my world, is a thoughtful, day-long process, not a race to hang the most ornaments the fastest.
Once they all went to bed, I DID rearrange the tree, but not nearly as much as I have in years past. They’re learning. I added the tinsel and watched “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Ahhhh . . . this is a terrible picture of the tree. I DO need my men – I’ll have Tim take some good pictures tomorrow.