Man, the past year or so has been harder and more exhausting than I have been willing to admit. I like being the competent, happy person. But, sometimes the real world invades. There have been great things and sad things and tragic things and big things and I just kept plugging along like it was nothing.
It hit me after Danny and Christi’s wedding (which was totally awesome) that my focus and priorities were off kilter. The BIG things matter and it’s okay to let them happen, help them happen and then to take some time off to process it all. Easy to say. For me, hard to do. Post-wedding I realized how exhausted and depleted I was. Hence the non-blogging. It just wasn’t in me. For the past several months, it’s just all been too hard. Every time I went to write a blog post it just felt so insignificant and pointless. (LOL – like the bulk of my blog posts ARE significant – I guess what I mean is the things I was wanting to write did not feel authentic.)
Tonight is another big milestone. Tim is headed to Denver in the morning. He’s got an awesome job with a lighting company that retrofits light fixtures in gov’t and other buildings to make them more efficient. His goal is to save enough to finish up his last 1 1/2 years of college without having to work part-time at a frantic pace. I’m excited for him and I’m also surprisingly weepy that he’s leaving. That’s three boys who have left and who will never really live here again. I want them to grow up and all of that but, THEY HAVE LEFT. I am all ferklempt – pass the tissues until I can regain control.
I won’t lie and say I’m not a little excited at the prospect of an office/sewing/room/guest room. Still, getting that room came at a high price. I had to let them grow up and move on. Even though Andy is still here for a while, three gone???? I want to cry and I want to run around and point out to other people how great and self-sufficient the older boys are. I want to demand that all the “bigs” call me and visit and don’t leave me forever. Pride and grief – so glad they don’t need me and so sad they don’t need me. I guess it will fade, right??? Andy is a high school sophomore this year so He’ll be gone soon – I’m doing my best to not be crazy/clingy. He might argue that point but I am trying. They are all amazing.
I was warned and I did not believe. It does happen fast. One minute you’re begging to go the bathroom with no one pounding on the door and, in what seems the next minute, you’re wandering around a nearly empty house looking for lost, nasty socks that are not there and wondering how much spaghetti to cook for just three instead of six/eight/ten.
I’m excited for all of my boys. I think they’ll be just like us – ups and downs and ready to face the challenges of adulthood. But, I’m gonna miss the old days. Let’s hope I don’t become a doddering crazy old person – especially for Andy’s sake! He’s gotta stick around with us for a couple more years.
For now, though, I think I might just put in a Harry Potter movie and cry a little bit. An hour-long pity-party never ruined anyone, right?
Once my pity party is over I”m going to, like the picture says, “Smile because it happened.” We’re so lucky.