Feelings are tricky. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings – ever. That said, I have hurt
people’s feelings – most likely more than I know. By the same token, I don’t want to have my feelings hurt either. BUT . . . the thing is, you can never know what’s going to hurt someone’s feelings (besides the obvious stuff – “Why, yes, you do look heavy in those pants.”) And, other people can’t know what’s going to hurt my feelings without me walking around with a dry-erase flow-chart explaining how it all works. A mind is a terrible thing – at least in my world it is.
My “not-hurting-others” skills have grown exponentially since I was younger. I try hard to “tread lightly” and think before speaking. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don’t. I will say my ratio of success::failure has gone up with each birthday. Room for improvement remains and I plan to keep trying.
As far as me getting my feelings hurt? I dunno. I’m fairly tough. Or maybe I’m not. I do not want to live the life of the matriarch running around making everyone feel guilty. So, I say nothing. And, I wonder if that’s fair. I think I should either state my expectations or just get over it. Yet, I still hope that those closest to me would “know” my expectations and try to throw me a bone when at all possible.
It’s a tricky proposition. I want people to know what I expect and act accordingly but I do not feel like I should have to explain what I expect. If they know me, they should know what’s important to me. Or not.
It’s weird with the kids being older and with all the changes in our lives (my dad’s death, buying a new house and all the rest) I feel unsettled. In just a week, I’m going to feel out of place though I’ll be in a place I want to be and that I know is best for our family. And still, I’m sitting here amidst half-packed boxes with my feelings slightly hurt. Not by just one person and not in any big or rational way. I think it’s a matter of big things happening while all the regular little things are happening too. I don’t know what I expect or want. I am thinking it’s like any big changes only now we’re facing “old” people changes rather than things like having a baby – you just think it will be different. Different – and not so lonely.
I keep reminding myself that any perceived slights on my side of things are not personal or conspiratorial. As my dear friend Julie says, “I’m not much but, I’m all I think about.” It’s hard to remember in my own little world that we are living a “new normal” and that this fact does not hold true for other people.
No real point to this post other than to remind myself that life is good and no one is out to “get me” or intentionally hurt me. Even if there is a short period of time where I feel that (in my best 8th grade voice) “No one cares!” People do care. I/We are loved and blessed by so many friends. Sometimes, you just need to type it out to make it real – you know, because if it’s on the internet, it’s true!