I feel like I’m coming out of a fog. The past year has been so full of things that I never wanted to deal with or even think about. And, while I’m still reeling from things like my dad’s illness and death, moving from our beloved neighborhood and more – I’m starting to feel more like myself than I have in a long time.
I’m still sad. I have some days where I just want to crawl under the bed an hide. But, more and more I am starting to feel like me. School with Andy has been fun so far this year. I’m no longer wandering room to room wondering why I’m wandering room to room. I still wander but, usually, if I give myself a few minutes, I can figure out why I am there.
I’ve sort of got a handle on this house, this kitchen and what’s coming up for the next year. Of course, life will happen and change my plans but I’m ready to face life again. It’ll never be the same but, it will go on – and, if I have anything to do with it, it will go on in an orderly fashion. Or not. We’ll see.
I’m accepting the fact that three of my boys are grown. They still love and need me but not like they used to. I doubt they would admit to needing me – but they do. Right? I miss them and marvel at their lives as young adults at the same time. No complaints, they keep in touch and share funny things, poignant things and just the plain ol’ stupid things. Can’t ask for more than that.
Instead of being overwhelmed by the sad, I’m overwhelmed by how incredibly fortunate and blessed we are as a family. Part of me is still sad and I guess it will always be that way but, I am happy to be seeing a little light at the end of the tunnel.
(And, yes, it IS 4 am. My wandering ways have improved but need even more improvement. I forgot I had started making bread several hours ago. I JUST pulled it out of the oven – it’s beautiful. BUT … I think my next plan is going to be working on my wonky hours.